New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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