Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
