Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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