Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
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Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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