umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
