gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
