just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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