I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
