At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
