Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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