im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
