WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
