Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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