Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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