take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
