I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
