I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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