I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
