yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
