Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
