I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
