Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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