You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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