Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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