I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
