that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
