this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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