Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
