I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
