very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize