I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
