We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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