I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
