I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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