on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
