Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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