six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
