This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
