There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
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