he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
