Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
