Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
