so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
