I could have mohawked her pubes.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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