She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
