i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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