I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
