last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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