what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
this beer tastes like vomit already
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
whose parrot is this?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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