Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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