mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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