Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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