I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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