I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
