so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
