Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
