god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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