Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I believe in your delicious
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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