Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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