Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I could make wine with my vomit
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
