dude you need to get laid
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles