cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.