i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My liver is preforming stress tests.