White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
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we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
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now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.