You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
