i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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