Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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