I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
